Are there some things you just can't do with your triggers?

[u/Free_Hall9782]

Bit of a vent and support.

I have Cptsd from years of child abuse, some physical, mostly emotional. I also have autism. I'm very hypervigalant and am easily startled, to the point where coworkers regularly startle me just by coming into a room behind me unexpectedly.

I want to act. Not professionally, but in theater. While I do have overstimulating issues, I can take noise and shouting and love loud music, which actually calms me.

But, I tried to volunteer at a haunted house last night and went to rehearsal and it went awful. I don't usually do well going through them as a guest post ptsd onset, butI figured workbig there and knoeing everythingto come would be okay. Id also been through this one as a kid and it isn't too intense. I have to keep from punching someone in what my brain thinks is fight defense time.

For this I had to crawl into a fire place and jump out and scream. I actually don't know how to make myself scream. I learned to be quiet growing up to be safe. I'm even dead silent in total fear on high rollercoasters. I had issues with that and was fine for a few minutes.

Then the sound of screaming, things falling and people shouting for their lives and for help made me have a panic in there, a bad one where I was shaking. All the awful things my mom said to me growing up, all the yelling about stuff I wish I could forget, the physical dangerous fights I got into with my other abuser, one that drew blood in particular, came pouring through my head. I freaked out and cried while trying to regulate breathing until someone came to get me. I had to have klonopin to calm down I was so upset.

I've worked on a movie set as an extra and did great. The director said I did well and I really liked it too. But with my ptsd I'm worried I won't be able to do theater for whatever reason. I'm so angry at myself for not being to experience a haunted house at 25 while kids are doing it at 8.

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[u/CuteProcess4163]

Yup. Cant watch movies, cant watch netflix series or tv shows involving any kissing let alone assaults and stalking crap shown nowadays. I cant pick up food, go shopping, go grocery shopping, to restraunts, to get my nails done. I cant go to my best friends weddings or baby showers. I cant go on walks outside sometimes cause I am too scared. I cant be trapped in a building for too long. I cant work a normal job. I am lucky in the control that I have over my life in that I have been able to arrange it in a way where it works for me. Example, using doordash for everything or instacart. Watch live podcasts on my own interests and participate in discussions. Do SW out of my apartment. Do therapy on zoom. Dont socialize. Have my classes online. Dont have any other responsibilities or obligations to leave the apartment.